Guilty Mommy

Today has been another amazing one!  I'm so thankful to work for such an amazing company that allows me to take two and a half days off to observe Thanksgiving. 

I know that Thanksgiving day is going to be a slight adjustment to say the least, but I'm trying to get my game face on, be brave, swap children, and pretend it doesn't phase me at all (even though I usually boo hoo all the way home).  I understand that dad time is necessary.  Call me selfish, but I want my boys with me all the time.  I don't want to miss a minute! I'm quite certain this is confusing for a sixteen month old baby.  Bless his heart, he has no idea what's going on.  The best I can do is usually put on my happiest mom voice amidst the crying and mutter something like "Have fun with daddy," or "I know you are going to have so much fun & I love you!" I'm not sure if they sense the fake & happy mom voice, but I'm trying. The swapping and the whole ugly mess leaves me with feelings of guilt. 

I feel guilty because I think to myself sometimes that I should have been able to save a marriage.  I should have been able to prevent my children from growing up in a broken home.  I wasn't raised that way, so I'm not sure I'll be able to relate to the boys and what they experience, but I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I am someone they can talk to.  How can I expect those sweeties to understand when I don't completely understand?

The guilty feelings have lead to overspending on Santa presents.  Somewhere in my mind, I think that if Santa brings the ultimate toys, they will forgive their mommy who has to work and run the house.  It seems silly, but I promise you I try to compensate for the damage that has been done.  It's not realistic, but I can't help but going above and beyond what's necessary (even though I blew my budget for Christmas, but not by much), secretly hoping they will forgive me for not being able to keep it all together.  I hope they will understand one day and I do hope they won't hold it against me.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord my rock and my redeemer.  Psalm 19: 14

So, after a blessed HALF of work day, the guilt and mom instinct kicked in full force.  I'm thinking so many thoughts like:  "I've got to get this tree up," & "I've got to make this year's holidays better than any before so they won't hate me."  Out to the building I went to fetch a Christmas tree and and decorations that would put the Griswold's to shame!  Keep in mind, I just do the inside (outside is what I call a "man job") and our house isn't that big so a little Christmas goes A LONG way!

Determined not to cry, I put the tree together!  Sounds simple, I know.  Maybe pathetic too.  However, I was so proud that I didn't have to phone a friend, borrow a neighbor, or call my mom for moral support.  I have not went through the ornaments yet.  That's going to be the hard part.  I have a box that "stuff" goes into.  I'm not sure what to do with the sentimental things, so I put them in the box, and viola no more "stuff!"

Please know all of my efforts paid off!  I'm so blessed and grateful!  Today, when I mentioned that I had put up the Christmas tree and I needed two helpers, my seven year old son, and my five year old nephew both piped up, faces glowing with excitement, and begged me to let them be the helpers.  OF COURSE they will be the ones to decorate the tree.  It's all about the children to me.  My sixteen month son's face lit with anticipation to touch, feel, and experience his first Christmas tree (he doesn't remember last Christmas because he was only five months old).  He quickly started saying "tree," and "lights!"  My heart immediately melted and was filled with satisfaction knowing I had done the right thing no matter how hard things may get.  It's COMPLETELY worth it!  God love his heart, he thought my tree was the best thing he'd ever seen and it doesn't have anything on it!  It's a pre-lit tree, but to him it's a new adventure and I'm willing to bet he will bulldoze it down before Christmas gets here!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and weekend.  To all of you "Black Friday" shoppers, I think you are either nuts, or extremely determined to save money! I'm a fan of saving money too.   Either way, shop on!  I'm going to start the cooking and enjoy Thanksgiving with all those who I love so dearly.  Maybe God will even give me the courage I need to be extremely brave tomorrow! I'm sure it will be lovely.  Sweet friends, please keep giving your all!  I promise it doesn't go unnoticed to our creator.  He knows are hearts and loves us all.  I think you all are amazing, so turn on the Christmas music, heat the oven and have the best Thanksgiving ever!  I'm going to.  Let's hope my cooking doesn't send anyone to the ER!